Archives For relationships

An Essay on Love

samuel kee —  April 1, 2013 — 4 Comments

HannahThis article was written by Hannah Firestone, one of the Hope Stands team members.

When you google “define love,” the first definition that pops up is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” “To love” as a verb is “to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.” Some synonyms for love are “affection,” “fondness,” “darling,” and “passion.” Synonyms for the verb to love are “to like,” “to be fond of,” “to fancy,” and “to adore.” This is what the world thinks of the idea of love: that it is a feeling. In order to love someone, you simply need to feel “deep affection” for that person. Love is used in our culture almost exclusively as the love between two romantic partners. The Bible says something entirely different. “Greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for a friend” (John 15:13). I could easily say that I have “an intense feeling of deep affection” for my dog. However, I certainly would not give up my life to save my dog. Also, the Bible verse says, “friend.” Maybe I could show true love to a friend without feeling “a deep romantic of sexual attachment” to them. The world would say that is not possible. However, I would say that not only is loving a friend possible, it is a better way of showing love than in a physical way to a romantic partner. Love is not a feeling. Love is making a choice to show someone in a tangible way that you will put them above yourself no matter what.

All love begins with a choice. What makes a true friendship is a mutual decision to put each other first. You do not automatically begin loving someone. No one can make you become friends with another person. When you begin spending time with another person, at some point you make the conscious or subconscious decision to pursue your relationship with that person. When you are in kindergarten, the decision is easier. You think, “Will this person share their toys with me? If they do, I will be their friend.” By the time you are in high school, the question you ask yourself is, “Will this person remain my friend and be loyal to me even when I do stupid things? If they do, I will be their friend.” Whatever question you are asking yourself when you meet someone new, you are still making that decision of whether or not you will become friends with the person and share love with them. The other person also must make this decision. The best kind of love is when both people decide to share love with each other. However, sometimes only one person makes that decision. In that case, the relationship is one-sided. One of the parties is taking advantage of the love shown by the other. When neither side decides to show love, the relationship becomes that of two acquaintances or is ended altogether. Whatever the case, that relationship began with a choice of whether or not to share love with the other person.

Love must be unconditional. Love that is not unconditional is not true love. One thing that people say to their friends is “If you really love me…” These people are placing conditions on their friendships. They are saying that the other person must prove their devotion in order to maintain the friendship. Other people say, “Is this the thanks I get?” These people have been hurt by their friends and are trying to express their hurt. But they are not showing unconditional love. Love that is truly unconditional offers forgiveness and grace to a friend that commits a grievance. Of course, love should not be taken advantage of. When a person continuously hurts you, you should not continue to open yourself to them. You should forgive them and grant them grace, but not necessarily trust them fully. But love must always be unconditional. When you decide to love someone, you are not only offering them courtesy for the present, you are promising them forgiveness and grace in the future. True love forgives.

Putting the other person first is essential to love. This means that you must care about the other person more than you care about yourself. When the other person needs something, you must be willing to give up what you need in order to fulfill their needs. You cannot show true love to someone while still putting your own desires above theirs. This does not mean that you should put yourself in harm’s way every time your friend wants a coffee from Starbucks. Love is also discerning. To love someone, you must recognize the difference between your friend’s true emotional and physical needs and their unnecessary desires. Love does not call you to make sacrifices of your own health in order to get that coffee to your friend at untimely hours. Nor does it require that you jump up at your friend’s every request. However, when your friend has a true need for your help emotionally or physically, you do need to fulfill that need out of love. You need to sacrifice your alone time to talk to a friend who is suffering emotionally. You need to be willing to give up everything, even your own life, when your friend is in physical danger. The only way to show love is to put the other person’s needs above your own.

The ultimate example of love is Jesus Christ. By coming down to Earth as a baby, He made the choice to show love to all humans. Although many people sinned against him and continue to do so, he showed unconditional love through his forgiveness of them. His death on the cross put the spiritual needs of all humans above his own needs. Christ is love, and he embodied love perfectly on the cross. As a Christian, I am called to show love to everyone around me. That means that for every person I meet, no matter how they treat me, I make the choice to love them unconditionally and put their needs before my own. I must even love to people I have never met. It also means that every one of my brothers and sisters in Christ make the decision to love me. Love is so much more than a feeling; it is a choice. Choosing to love others is the only way to bring joy into a relationship, and Jesus’ love gives us an example of how to do so.

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What Is a Real Friend?

samuel kee —  February 20, 2013 — 4 Comments

friends-fingersThe way you think about friendship is all wrong.  At some point in your life—or most likely at every point—you’ll struggle with relationships.  The “issue” of relationships is probably bigger than we think.  So much of our energy revolves around the need for relationships, maintaining relationships, or dealing with relationships.  In fact, this is one of the major predictors in attempted suicide; research shows that those who attempt suicide struggle with a lack of belonging.  Each of us longs to belong, to have friends, to experience meaningful relationships.

But what is a friend?

Have you ever thought that your definition of “friend” is wrong?  I believe that by truly understanding what a friend is, and what it means to be a friend, we can overcome a great deal of anxiety.  According to our culture, a friend is someone who’s fun to hang out with and someone I can “be myself” with.  That’s a pretty good, generic definition of what our culture thinks a friend is. 

However, this understanding of friendship is extremely shallow.  Yes, it may be true that a friend is someone who is fun to hang out with.  Yes, it may be true that a friend is someone you can be yourself around.  But this understanding is so narrow!  There is so much more depth to true friendship, which we must go down into if we’re going to be rescued from drowning in such shallow water. 

For instance, should a friend be someone who is fun to hang out with?  Really?  If a person doesn’t fit that description, then is he or she really not your friend?  Or, does a friend always have to be someone you can be yourself around?  But what if you’ve got some nasty habits?  Is that person really a friend if he doesn’t challenge you to change?

I’ve been in a biker bar before and heard this line (inevitably once it’s realized that I am a Christian and go to church), “We’ve got better community here than at any church!  This is true friendship here!”  On one level, the biker could be right: there are some pathetic communities in the local church.  But on another level, the biker is completely wrong.  He is defining friendship as the culture defines it: these are my drinking buddies who are fun to hang out with and who I can be myself around—but that’s it.  I see how shallow their friendships can be.  I hear the way they talk about their fellow “drinking buddies” behind their backs.  The truth is, when you find a true Christian, you find someone who’s willing to lay down his life for his friend, not stab him in the back.  Actually, I as a Christian, would be willing to lay down my life for an enemy, just as Jesus did for me. 

Getting back to my point, friendship is much deeper and richer than we normally think.  Knowing this will reveal to you that you have more friends than you think; and, you can be a better friend to more people than you realize.  While I want to keep “fun to hang out with” and “be myself with” on the list, I’d like to add to it.  A friend is also someone who:

  • Gives you love
  • Comforts you
  • Gives you strength
  • Is with you when you need it
  • Makes you happy
  • Prays with you
  • Forgives you
  • Helps you to be good
  • Warns you
  • Saves you from danger
  • Mentors you
  • Helps you to know God
  • Sacrifices for you

Just think about some of these on my list.  A friend, for instance, is someone who comforts you.  Does this person also have to be fun to hang out with?  Absolutely not!  Is there anyone in your life who gives you comfort?  Who encourages you and strengthens you?  Even if you don’t hang out with this person, she might still be your friend!  Or, do you have anyone who prays for you?  Though it might be hard to “be yourself” around this person, that doesn’t mean that he is not your friend!  Do you have anyone who helps you to be a better person?  Again, this individual might not be fun to be around, but you can still consider her your friend. 

You have many more friends than you think; and you can be a friend to many more people than you realize.  To be a friend, you don’t just need to be “fun” and “transparent.”  You can be a friend by sacrificing, encouraging, helping, forgiving, strengthening, praying, being present, mentoring, saving, comforting, loving, etc.  And you can find your true friends in those who are sacrificing, encouraging, helping, forgiving, strengthening, praying, being present, mentoring, saving, comforting, loving, etc.

Not everyone fits the cultural definition of what it means to be a friend.  Fortunately, there is so much more room in “friendship,” enough room to include all kinds of people, not just the bubbly extroverts.

© Samuel Kee, 2012 

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A Proper Understanding of God’s Love

samuel kee —  January 14, 2013 — Leave a comment

divine laws of loveAdmit it, you think that God only loves you when you’re good.  You can’t shake the thought.  Maybe if you were a little better, had more convictions, set a better example, and carried around fewer failures, then God would love you more.

God does not love you because you’re good.  Please read that again if you need to.  Honestly do you think that God would only love you because you are good?  Read what C. S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity:

The Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him.  He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the roof of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it.

Like the greenhouse roof, we are not bright on our own; rather, the sun makes us bright.  We are not good on our own; rather, God’s love makes us good.  He does not love us because we are good, but his love does make us good—and that’s a world of difference.

So then, why does God love us, if not for our goodness?  We find an answer in Deuteronomy 7:7-8, in these tender words that God speaks to his people:

It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set his love on you and chose you, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but it is because the Lord loves you.

God did not love his people because they were numerous or had a lot going for them.  They were actually quite small and pathetic.  Why did he love them?  Because he loved them.

Do you see the reasoning here?  Why do I love you?  Just because I love you.

You do not have to meet any conditions first; you don’t have to become great; you don’t have to change in order for me to love you.  I love you just because I love you.  Having this kind of love is the only thing that will change us deeply.

Have you found this kind of love?  Or are you still struggling to meet arbitrary conditions, slammed down on you by those who don’t love you just for you?  Why do you think people might love you?  Because of your looks?  Abilities?  Track record?  Faithfulness?  Performance?  Faithfulness?  Ideas?  Wisdom?  Weight? Resources?  Influence?  Power?  Money?  Care?  Is that why they love you?

Is that why God loves you?  No.  God loves you just because he loves you.  His love for you is not dependent upon the resources that you can offer to him.  He is not as weak and pathetic as we are.

One more question: Why do you love God?  Because he is good.

Think about that: God does not love you because of your goodness, but we are to love God because of his goodness.  He is the only Being in the universe who actually is good; therefore, we do not love him because of what he can do for us, but because of what he is.

© Samuel Kee, 2013

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That Hideous Scar: Our Struggle for Acceptance

samuel kee —  November 4, 2012 — Leave a comment

Have you ever thought how much of your day you spend on acceptance?  Well, maybe you’ve never put it like that.  But, you know what I mean.  The time spent in front of the mirror, getting yourself ready, plucking anything that’s pluckable, covering anything that’s capable of erupting.  You brush, scrub, highlight, lowlight, style, slim, raise, lower, flatten, perk, exercise, and so forth.  And that’s just physical appearance.  How much intellectual and emotional fare do you spend on acceptance?  Thinking of just the right things to say, where to be when so-and-so arrives, how to act, which mask to wear, which string of accomplishments to highlight.

We are all walking/talking resumes.  Living resumes.  We bullet point our list of accomplishments, strengths, and capabilities, hoping that others will accept us.  We’d never go into a social setting without a resume glued to our face, as it were.  Every handshake is a desperate grasp to be rescued, like a drowning man reaching out for help.  We care way too much about what other people think of us.

I know what you’re thinking, “You’re making too big of a deal about this; I’m not so insecure.”

Really?  What was your last post on Facebook or Twitter about?  Or, should I say, who was it about?  What was your intent behind your last social interaction, whether digital or in person?  Tell me the history behind the clothes you’re wearing right now.  Why did you put on those particular ones?  When’s the last time you told someone a secret?  Why haven’t you?  Too afraid of what they might think?  That they won’t accept you, if they knew the real you?

On the other hand, I am not saying that we should not care what others think of us.  Far from it.  There’s a name for those who don’t care at all what others think of them, it’s “psychopath.”  It’s good and healthy to care about what others think.

I believe that this desire for acceptance is born from a place much deeper than the surface level, though it manifests itself in the trivial stuff.  We carry within our souls a ravenous desire for ultimate acceptance.  Each of us is born with a hideous scar on our souls, marking the spot of separation from God.  It’s the place where our life with God was severed, leaving a gushing, bloody wound.

And virtually everything we do in life is an attempt to stop the bleeding.

Just like a person might go to lengths to cover over a physical scar, so that no one will see it, caking on make-up or clothing, so do we go to lengths to hide our heart wound.

Though it wouldn’t make for a very good Hallmark card or Disney song, we know that something is desperately wrong with us.  To pretend otherwise would be to deny the bleeding.  Even if our mouths say one thing, our souls know better.  Our souls know that they are fundamentally unacceptable to God because of sin.

There, I said it.  That’s the wound.  You may buck at it, just like I might, but all our bucking only betrays our soul’s sensitivity.  Besides, denying our unacceptability will only make our heart wound grow bigger, and the truth become clearer.

Here’s what all of this means: since we’re all dying for God to accept us, to look past our grossness, we settle for seeking acceptance from others as a cheap replacement.  We look to others to stamp their approval on us, to declare us “good,” in order to mollify our deeper wound.  Perhaps if some guy or some girl likes us, then we’ll be able to get on with life.  But our limping betrays us.  There is no way to get the ultimate acceptance we long for from temporary beings.  Our souls are smarter than our savvy.

We’re all like little children, arms raised to our daddy, saying, “Hold me!”

Our desire for acceptance can only be fulfilled from an ultimate source.  Give your soul more credit than you have been giving it.  Your soul is far too vast to be soothed by the trivial stuff of this world.  You’re smarter than that, more sophisticated than that.  You need living water to satisfy you (see John 4).

The place we must start in our pursuit of ultimate acceptance is the baptism of Jesus.  When Jesus was baptized, he was immersing himself in the waters of identification.  By identifying himself with us, he was taking ownership of our hideous scar and our fundamental failure.  At his baptism, we read, “heaven opened, and the Holy Spirit descended on Him in a physical appearance as a dove” (Luke 3:22).  Jesus was anointed by the Holy Spirit, something that God only does to kings.  This means that Jesus was a king, but not just any king.  He would not fight for our place in an earthly kingdom, but a heavenly one.  He was to be a dread Warrior, fighting for our acceptance into heaven.  His mission ended on the cross, the portal through which we are healed.

Then the sky thundered from above the river where Jesus was baptized, “You are My beloved Son.  I take delight in You!”  The Father told the Son that He accepted Him.  The Father was thrilled with the Son.  The Son was perfect.  The Son did not have a hideous scar.  It wasn’t just that the Son didn’t do anything wrong, but that he did everything right!  He was absolutely perfect.

If you’ve met Jesus in the waters of baptism—meaning: you’re trusting in him to drown your sins so that He can raise you to life—then you can insert your name in the Father’s ultimate declaration.  The Father says of you, “You are My beloved son!” “You are My beloved daughter!” “I take delight in you!”  When God looks at you, he sees His Son.

Take this into your soul, for it is the balm for which it bleeds.  You are someone that God delights in.  You are a source of marvelous joy.  You are perfect.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are acceptable.  You are someone to die for.  You are worthy.  You are God’s desire.  You are God’s beloved.  God is happy with you.  God is amazed at you.  You are beautiful.  There is nothing that you can do to cause God to love you less, because when he looks at you, he is met by the infinite gaze of Jesus.

Jesus heals our hideous scar.

© Samuel Kee, 2012

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Why can’t we live together before marriage?

samuel kee —  October 10, 2012 — 9 Comments

According to culture, living together before marriage is a good thing; after all, it helps you to see if you’re compatible with each other or not.  It allows you to give the other person a “test drive,” as if he or she were just another car.

Well, culture is wrong.  She’s not a car; he’s no car, either.  When two people live together before marriage, having sex along the way, a dangerous cycle is started.  The only time sex should occur is within the covenant of marriage (between one man and one woman).  A covenant is a self-giving relationship between two people.  You enter into a covenant in order to give yourself away for the good of the other person.  Both people in the marriage covenant have to do this, by the way.  When just one person makes sacrifices, then abuse might result.  One person might take away what the other gives, without giving anything in return.

In fact, scientific, secular research has proven that living together before marriage is deadly.  Why?  Because you are not committing to each other, but you are testing each other.  You are committing to whatever your idea of a good partner is, not to the partner himself.  You treat each other like products, not people.  You’re not giving yourself away, but taking away from the other person.  You’re not accepting the person unconditionally, just how he or she is, but you’re seeing if the other person stands up to your criteria.  If not, then you’ll find someone else.  It’s all about you, in other words, which is the EXACT opposite of what a marriage covenant is.  Living together is like a long (or not so long!) interview, where you can’t be yourself, you’re putting on a show, and you’re waiting for the other person to hire you at last.  It’s demoralizing and exhausting, not refreshing or life giving.

Sex is supposed to be life-giving, by the way.  It’s an expression of unity and commitment to another person, regardless of their “performance.”  Sex is a way of showing another person that you’re committed heart, soul, mind, and body.  It’s meant to be a way of being both fully known and accepted, just how you are, not a test of who you could be.  It’s not meant to reveal who you aren’t but to validate who you are—whose you are.

I am not saying that it’s not possible for people who live together before marriage to have a lasting marriage.  You might be one of them.  But, it would be beneficial for you to ask yourself the difference between unconditional and conditional acceptance.  How do you feel when someone else says to you, “Let me just test you out before I commit to you, to see if you’re worth committing to.”  Instead, what if that same person said to you, “I accept you just how you are and I’m willing to commit to you through thick and thin, discovering who you are and loving who you are, even if I don’t know everything in advance.  Why?  Because you’re worth it to me.”

To live together before marriage is to base your love on performance.  It’s cheap love and will not satisfy the longings of our souls.  Nobody wants to be loved contractually or conditionally.  “I’ll only love you if you do such-and-such, if you weigh such-and-such, if you make such-and-such, if you look such-and-such.”  Rather, we long to be loved for who we are.

Jesus told the woman at the well that he could give her water that would leave her without thirst (John 4).  When she begged him to give her some, Jesus told her “Bring me your husband.”  She promptly told him that she had no husband.  But Jesus already knew that she had had five husbands already, and that she was living with a man she was not married to.  So why did Jesus talk about sex and relationships in the context of getting a drink?

Don’t you see?  We often look to other people to satisfy our thirst, but no person can give us ultimate satisfaction.  The woman was looking to men to satisfy her thirst for unconditional love and acceptance.  Jesus knew it.  Jesus was making it clear to her that she’d only be satisfied with the love that he could give her.  All other men would let her down.

If we think that a relationship is all we need to be happy in life, then we’re wrong.  God is all we need to be happy in life.  When we demand from others that which only God can give, we turn them into a false god, and we become their worshippers.  As their worshippers, they use us and abuse us, giving us nothing in return.  False gods will only be happy so long as you perform for them, care for them, and sacrifice yourself for them.

Jesus, on the other hand, is the only God who sacrifices himself totally and completely for us.  He makes a covenant of love with us, not demanding anything in return.  His love is not cheap or conditional, but costly and committing.  He takes us just how we are and makes us into who we want to become.  That’s what God’s love does for those who drink deeply of it.

© Samuel Kee, 2012

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Sex before Marriage?

samuel kee —  September 14, 2012 — 2 Comments

You’re probably wondering what a blog about hope is doing posting advice about sex.  The following post is my response to a question that I was asked recently.  Sorry for such a “raw” topic, but I trust that by the end you’ll see why we have reason for great hope.  Here was the question:

“What if you sleep with a person, but you still marry him or her?”

Here is my answer: 

This question contains two big assumptions.  First, it assumes that the end justifies the means.  So long as we get married in the end, then who cares what happens before then!  Using this logic, you might as well conclude: since I want to rid the world of all disease, it’s okay if I kill all the sick people!  Does the end justify the means?  Not at all!

But it gets confusing, because before you’re married, God says, “No-sex-for-you!” like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld.  But after you’re married, he says, “Have as much sex as you want!”  So, it’s not as if sex is a bad thing.  You’re never supposed to kill, but you’re at least allowed to have sex!

That’s a fair point, but there are other things to consider.  Think about driving.  A three-year-old might say, “Daddy, it’s okay if I drive today, so long as I get my license when I’m sixteen!”  Not so fast.  If we let a child drive, he’d kill both himself and a lot of other people.  The end does not justify the means.  Or, I might say to my dentist, “Step aside, Doc!  Let me handle this next case.  After all, I’m an ace with an electric drill and adjustable wrench!  In fact, one day, I’ll get my dental license!”  Would you let me work on your teeth?  Just because I will be ready one day, doesn’t mean that I am ready today.

God designed humans to function a certain way.  It’s kind of like a car, as Tim Keller has said.  Every car comes with an owner’s manual, which describes how to take care of the vehicle.  Change the oil, keep the coolant to the half-way mark in the reservoir, clean the air filter, and so forth.  To disobey the owner’s manual is to destroy your car.  If you don’t put any oil in the engine—or if you put canola oil in the engine—your car will blow up.  In the same way, we have an owner’s manual to follow in order for our lives to run smoothly.  If we don’t follow it, we’ll make a wreck of ourselves.

God tells us that in order for us to enjoy sex, marriage, and life the most, we’re only to have sex within the context of a committed marriage between one man and one woman.  No canola oil.  If you go against how God made us, then you’re forcing your life to do something that it was not designed to do, which it will hate, deep down.  The end result will never justify the means when it comes to our sexuality.

But there’s a second assumption lurking behind this one: “Honey, if you really, really love me, then you’ll make love to me.”  Usually it’s the guy who pulls out this line, in order to manipulate his girlfriend into gratifying his desires.  The assumption here is that the best way to show someone love is to give them sex.

Don’t fall for it girls!  He might even say that he’ll die if he can’t have sex, but don’t buy it!  He’ll die if his kidneys are removed or if his lungs burst, but no man on record has ever died from a lack of intercourse.

Aside from the obvious anatomical errors this assumption makes, it also fails to recognize what love is and what sex is.  It assumes that sex is the pinnacle of love, that there’s no greater expression of love than sex.  “Honey, if you really love me, then…”  Wrong.  The greatest way that someone can love you is NOT sex.  Sex isn’t even close to the top of the list.

Imagine if someone is stuck on the tracks with a train coming.  What’s the best way to show them love?  Sex?  Hardly!  You need to pull them off the tracks.  What if your friend just found out that her parents were getting a divorce, what is the best thing that you can do for her?  Not sex!  The best thing for her would be to listen to her and get her some help.  Dare I go to John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he…”

You know how the verse ends, “He gave his one and only Son for us, so that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”  That’s love!  Love is sacrificing your needs—even your life, if necessary—in order to give someone else what they truly need.

Here’s what I am saying: sex is not an expression of love.  Then what is sex an expression of?  Sex is an expression of unity and commitment.  To have sex with someone is to declare that you are “one flesh” with him or her (1 Corinthians 6:17, Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31).  Sex is a way of expressing a reality that goes much deeper than the flesh, all the way to the soul.  When you’re married, two people become one person at multiple levels: emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically.  They are still individuals, but something mysterious happens to bring them together as one.  In a very real sense, the former, single person no longer exists.  Only the person-as-couple remains.  It’s as if every married person loses his or her maiden name, taking on a new identity altogether.

Therefore, sex is a way of expressing on the surface, that which is a reality within.  It’s an expression of unity and commitment, not just love.  This means that the only way to have sex properly is to commit yourself to another for life in marriage.  Without the commitment, it’s not really sex.  It’s something inferior and damaging and perverted.  As I said before, you’ll suffer the consequences of it.  Only after your souls are united and open, can you even begin to touch the wonder of sex.

So, to the guy who says, “If you really love me, then you’ll have sex with me!” I say, “If you really love her, then you’ll care for her according to what’s best for her, which means no sex until marriage.”  Otherwise, you’ll be corrupting not just your own relationship with her, but also your relationship with God.

Sex is an expression of the reality of fidelity.  Faithfulness.  Trust.  Whenever anyone says to you, “If you really love me, then…” you are being handed a dishful of conditions.  They do not love you unconditionally, so they do not truly love you.  I fear that most often the females, who are searching for unconditional love, fall into the conditional traps of males.

There is a source of unconditional love that is available to all of us, male or female, and that’s the love of God.  He places no conditions on his love for you.  You don’t have to be perfect and he doesn’t look at your moral performance record.  He loves you and accepts you, just how you are.  And he will be faithful to you for all eternity.

© Samuel Kee, 2012

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A Place in Our Hearts Video

samuel kee —  September 5, 2012 — Leave a comment
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What should I look for in a woman?

samuel kee —  September 4, 2012 — 1 Comment

Now that I’ve written about what a godly man looks like, it’s only fair that I discuss godly women.  But I’m going to do it slightly differently.  Because I am not a woman, I am not going to write as much on what a godly woman looks like, as I was able to do for the guys.  However, I will do it indirectly, under the guise of “What to look for in a woman.”  Right off, as I think about the various females in Scripture, I realize that there are some absolute female studs in its pages.  These women are tough, faithful, and wise.  Rarely do you find a female in Scripture who’s a pushover.  This reality has helped me to see these three things to look for in a woman: someone who doesn’t need you; someone who doesn’t feed you; and someone who completes you.

First, look for someone who doesn’t need you.  I picture the day that Isaac met Rebekah, as told in Genesis 24.  She drew water up from the well and gave him a drink; but then she drew water for all of his camels!  Do you know how much just one, hot and thirsty camel can drink after a long journey?  I’m pretty sure that Rebekah could take care of herself (and Isaac!).  Taken as a metaphor, she needs to be the kind of gal who doesn’t need a man in her life.  She doesn’t need a man to validate her beauty, for instance, or her worth.  I’ve seen that much of the time, women seek the approval of men so much, that they are practically paralyzed without them.  I’ve seen very needy women, who think they need a man in order to be someone special.

The godly woman is able to get her own water, and even provide it for the man, when called to do so.  And I don’t just mean literal water, now.  She is capable, resourceful, and prudent.  It’s clear that she doesn’t need a man to give her a sense of worth.  She exudes inner beauty and strength and capability.

Second, look for someone who doesn’t feed you.  Men try so hard to get attention from women, especially from those they’re attracted to.  But the godly woman won’t feed this sort of pride.  She’s not impressed—well, at least she won’t admit it.  She doesn’t pour gas on his fire.  Why?  In order to help the man get his sense of strength and identity from God alone.  As discussed in the previous question, men often look for women to give them their sense of strength, but that is not true strength.  True strength happens when no one is watching and we dig deeply into God for it.  A godly woman doesn’t feed her man false strength, which actually intensifies weakness.  She encourages him to root his masculinity in God alone, what he can accomplish with Him.

She also doesn’t feed his lusts and desires, which are outside of God’s will.  The same is true for men, but this is especially easy for women to do.  It’s easy for a woman to “push the right buttons” in men for moral failure.  This includes things like dress, speech, and overall sexuality.  The godly woman refuses to feed a man’s voracious desires in this area.  She knows how difficult it is for a man to remain pure, and she doesn’t want to “help” him fail.  This goes along with my previous point that she doesn’t need him, any way.  Some women actually “need” a man to lust over her, so that she can feel a sense of worth.  But, again, a godly woman does not need a man to provide this, nor does she feed his immoral desires.

Third, look for someone who completes you.  When two people get married, God says that they become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).  When two things become one, they complete each other.  At this point, I’m not going to tell you to look for a woman who provides the qualities that you lack.  Coming at it from that way could actually be quite disastrous, both for the man and the woman!  It’s dangerous to “make up” for our deficiencies with the other person in a relationship. Why?  Because it’s easier to make excuses for poor or sloppy behavior on our part, blaming it on how God made us.  So, hear me now, you can’t look for someone who makes up for your deficiencies.  That’s not what I’m saying.

What am I saying, then?  You will never know how she completes you until you commit to her, for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death parts you.  Not until you commit to her, heart and soul, will you see the mystery of marriage unfold.  So don’t look for someone who makes up for your lack; rather, commit to someone, trusting that she has what you need.  In other words, trust that what she brings into the relationship and who she is, is exactly what you need.  Don’t shrug her off, make her think that her view is unnecessary, tell her that her thoughts or needs are useless.  No!  You need her; she completes you and possesses what you’re missing.

Guys, you will not find what you need by going from woman to woman, but by committing to just one godly woman.  Only then will you unlock her true beauty and discover some of the deepest joys in life.  She completes you and should not have to compete for you or your attention.

I know that this all seemed a little deep, but you wanted to know about women, right?

© Samuel Kee, 2012

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How to find the right guy (or how to be a man)

samuel kee —  August 28, 2012 — 2 Comments

The truly strong man depends on God.

Here’s a great question that some students asked me recently.  ”How do you know the difference between a good, godly man and an ungodly man?”

This question could sound like the start of a bad joke.  “I don’t know, how do you know the difference between a good, godly man and an ungodly man?”  The godly man will at least admit that he’s wrong!

Okay, so I just made that up.  But it goes along with the tenor of our culture these days, which portray men as wimpy, manipulative, and stupid.  Men get beat up (literally) by women; men are conniving liars who only want one thing from women; men are simple-minded and inferior intellectually to women.  With so many negatives, how can any man be a “positive?”

While these negative stereotypes might be confirmed by your own experience, there is another kind of man out there.  This other kind of man is exemplary of what the Bible calls men to be: strong, sacrificial, and submissive.  Let me explain each.

First, the godly man will be strong.  Not just physically, although that wouldn’t hurt!  Actually, the reason why martyr Jim Elliot wanted to be physically fit was directly linked to his faith in God.  He wanted to be able to serve God as long and hard as possible, and good physical fitness would help.  But there’s another kind of strength, and it has to do with character.  Proverbs 16:32 says, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”  It’s one thing to be strong enough to take over a city; it’s quite another thing to be strong enough to control your temper.  Today’s godly man is recognized by his ability to keep himself appropriately under control.  He does not blow his top, get abusive, or easily lose it when he’s frustrated.  He doesn’t use those around him as a punching bag.  His “spirit” does not rule him; he rules his spirit.

Notice that I didn’t say that he had no spirit (or emotions).  I’m not endorsing emotional jellyfish.  Guys have to have spine.  They have to get riled up and show their anger when necessary.  The difference is that they control their anger, so that their anger doesn’t control them—and that takes a ton of strength.  A lot of the time, guys try to “help” others see their strength, so they act out of weakness.  As a cover for their weakness, they’ll do some emotional flexing, so that others will think they’re strong.  But it’s really a disguise for insecurity.  Better is the man who is strong enough to be weak, fallible, and corrected.

I hate to sound like a fortune cookie: be weak and you will be strong.  I am not calling men to be weak.  I am calling them to be stronger than those who get their strength like a leech gets its food.  In order to get life, a leech sucks the life from another creature.  It depends on the life of another creature for its strength.  Guys tend to do the same thing.  They suck the life right out of other people, rather than finding it for themselves.  For example, imagine the guy who struggles with feeling manly.  In order to seem manlier, he chases after girls, getting the girls to sleep with him.  When they do, he can brag to his friends about the sex that he’s had.  His friends will probably say, “Wow, what a man you are!”  In return, he’ll feel better about his masculinity.

But let me ask you, where did he get his sense of masculinity from?  That’s right, he sucked it like a leech from the women he had sex with.  He did not get it from any sort of inner strength or character, but he got it as a cheat, a leech.  The only thing he did was have sex.  His fragile male ego is dependent on the existence of females to have sex with.  Without them, he’d be nothing; his ego is really a fragile shell, hollow on the inside.  He’s not strong, but weak and empty.  The mark of a godly man is strength that is drawn from God and his own inner resolve, not from what others give to him, whether by force or cunning.

The strong man doesn’t need to prove his strength.  He doesn’t need to show you his strength, he just is.

Second, the godly man will be sacrificial.  This flows from his strength.  He is strong enough to let go of his own dreams, resources, and desires, in order to put others ahead.  In this sense, he is humble.  The godly man will constantly be sacrificing for those he cares about.  This gets to the heart of marriage, by the way.  The main operative strategy for husbands is that of sacrifice.  Just as Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for the church, so are husbands called to sacrifice for their wives (Ephesians 5:25).  I’ll never forget when my professor Don Carson was talking about Ephesians 5 to us in class.  After discussing a few technical matters of grammar about the passage, he looked up, peering over his reading glasses, and simply added, “Husbands, when’s the last time you sacrificed something for your wife?”

That statement moved me.  My daily call was that of sacrifice for my wife.  I was to sacrifice both big things and little things for her.  Not in order to be a doormat, that’s not the point.  But in order to care for her (see Ephesians 5:26).  Sometimes it takes more strength to let go than it does to hold on.  And if a guy has to let go of his own desires in order to grant his wife hers, then the strong guy will not be knocked out.  He’ll rebound, as he finds another way, depending on God in prayer.  Again, the strong guy does not depend on his wife (or anyone else) to give him strength, but on God to supply his strength.  Therefore, he can sacrifice anything at any time, if necessary, save his dependence on God.  “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

But beware!  Here’s what I’m not saying.  I am not saying that a woman has the right to beat up a man, abuse a man, or walk all over him.  That is not what I am saying.  Men are not called to sacrifice as an end in itself.  That’s hugely important to grasp.  We’re called to sacrifice to the end that it helps make our spouses better and closer to God.  For instance, think about the guy who is being abused by his girlfriend or wife.  Should he just take the punishment, since he’s called to sacrifice?  Absolutely not!  In that case, his sacrifice does not lead her to become better.  The opposite is true: by giving in to her, he is enabling her to get worse!  Perhaps, and I’m just guessing, he’s not strong enough to stand up for himself, because he depends on her (remember the leech?) to supply his sense of masculinity.  The truly strong man will be willing to draw boundaries in order to protect himself and his family (if he has children).

Third, the godly man will be submissive.  Let me retype the word so that you can see what I’m emphasizing here: subMISSION.  Do you see what I mean?  The godly man lives with a sense of mission.  He is not aimless, going with the flow.  He is not waiting for others to “start something.”  Rather, he is a catalyst and a contender for mission.  However, it’s not just any mission that he’s on; he’s on mission with God.  That’s why I say the godly man is SUB-missive.  He submits to God’s vision for life and exists to advance God’s mission on earth.  The godly man doesn’t live for his own mission, but he submits himself to God’s mission, living for God’s glory and to make the world right again.

The Apostle Paul writes that he is constrained by God’s Spirit (Acts 20:22), unsure of what will happen to him as he submits to God’s mission.  “But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God” (24).  Paul had a mission from God that he was going to finish, whether it killed him or not.  He submitted everything else in life to the mission—that course—from God.

Women, look for guys who are on a course, and I don’t mean a golf course.  I didn’t say a “career path,” either, but a course.  They have chosen to follow God and are living on mission with him.  These guys are trying to tackle an overwhelming problem in the world, fighting for what’s right and to make the world better.  They don’t just live for themselves, nor do they live for you, but they live for God.  They very best kind of guy that you can find is one that doesn’t put you first, ladies, but who puts God first.  Then the overflow of the juice from his love of God will pour out on you.  (But don’t worry, as he submits to God, he will serve you and sacrifice for you as a poet-warrior!)

How do you tell the difference between a good, godly man and an ungodly man?  The godly man will be strong, sacrificial, and submissive.  Our perfect example is Jesus.  Thankfully, we can hold on to him, even when all other men fail us.  Don’t ever underestimate the presence of Jesus in your life, as the Perfect Man.

© Samuel Kee, 2012

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When We Worship Our Friends

samuel kee —  June 14, 2012 — Leave a comment

A good definition of an idol is anything that gets in the way of your relationship with God.  Money can be an idol.  Achievement or family can be an idol, too.  These things often put a distance between us and our Creator.  When it comes to people, however, the definitions change.  It’s not just that others get in the way of your relationship with God.  I wish it were that easy and we were that innocent.  Rather, it’s that we turn others into god.  They do not get in the way of our God, they become our god.  We believe whatever they “declare” about our lives and we do whatever “commands” they issue us to do.  Their words shake us and their desires shape us; we’ll compromise our integrity, just to keep them pleased.  Not only is their word golden, but also their decrees are carved in stone.  But let’s be realistic: it’s not easy to dismiss the words of others.  We are all greatly affected by the words of others.  I’ve only known one person who apparently was totally unaffected by the words of other people, and he was a borderline psychopath.  So it’s not that we have to learn how to live totally unaffected by the words of others, for that’s neither realistic nor healthy.  But we have to learn to allow God’s thoughts and words to affect us the most.  We have to make him the only God we follow.  He is the mirror to which we look into to see who we are.  All others are broken mirrors, from which we get broken images of ourselves.

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